Boundaries for Teens

How do you set effective boundaries that build character and establish a proper relationship with your teen?

Teens spell boundaries: R-U-L-E-S!

They'd prefer to jump over them into adulthood. But that's not reality. Even today's reality TV shows have rules and restrictions.The top-rated reality show, American Idol, provides wanna-be singing sensations an opportunity to pursue their dreams. However there are age limitations and rules. The contestants' reward: talent recognition and stardom.

Our teens need us to be their greatest fan through their best and worst auditions in life. Regardless of their performance, our sons and daughters need to know we love them — unconditionally. And loving them means establishing boundaries. Here are some thoughts on boundaries with teens.

Doors

We cannot just lock our teens in the house like Big Brother. That's too easy. Boundaries include saying yes and no, just as doors are made to be opened and closed. Teens need the life lessons of success and failure to mature. When we open the door to appropriate levels of freedom, we give our teens a chance to make their own decisions, and to learn from them. When your daughter messes up by getting a speeding ticket, support her. Why? Because you can comfort and guide her through her mistake.If you feel like trust was broken, a lock down may be necessary. If the door has been wide open, it's okay to shut it, a little, a lot, or completely. You can reopen it later.

Change

Oprah's Big Give changed the rules every episode. Each week contestants never knew what their challenge would be. This show reminds us of our movable boundaries. Surprise teens with a big give. As they demonstrate responsibility, allow more freedom. Reward them for giving to others. Be willing to change with them. What your thirteen-year-old does today will be different when she's eighteen. Consider moving their curfew from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m.

Fight

Today's teens are extra busy. Sometimes trying to survive activities during the school year turns into The Contender. We're like boxers slugging it out. Rather than fighting over schedules to exhaustion, decide beforehand. Set a boundary up in advance. A spring and fall sport? Year round? No more than two activities during a semester? Knowing this limitation eliminates verbal boxing matches.

Dating

Want a hot, but touchy topic? Mention dating to teens. Teens that date often experience rejection. Be sensitive to their pain. Listen. Shows like The Bachelor promote lies, betrayal and pain — not the life-long commitment of marriage. Help teens establish personal boundaries by encouraging them to respect their values and their bodies. Discuss sexual temptation and ways to avoid it. Offer safer options like double dating in public.

****Make sure the subject of Teen Violence has been discussed in your home.

The findings on Teen Violence are astounding. The results show that alarming numbers of teens experience and accept abusive behavior in dating relationships. Many teens also feel physically and sexually threatened.

• 1 in 5 teens who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.
• 1 in 3 girls who have been in a serious relationship say they’ve been concerned about being physically hurt by their partner.
• 1 in 4 teens who have been in a serious relationship say their boyfriend or girlfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; the same number have been pressured to only spend time with their partner.
• 1 in 3 girls between the ages of 16 and 18 say sex is expected for people their age if they’re in a relationship; half of teen girls who have experienced sexual pressure report they are afraid the relationship would break up if they did not give in.
• Nearly 1 in 4 girls who have been in a relationship (23%) reported going further sexually than they wanted as a result of pressure.

Consider this with your teens make a Bill of Rights with them/discuss it and make sure they know they can ALWAYS come to you if any of their rights have been violated.

Teen Dating Bill of Rights

I have the right:

To always be treated with respect – In a respectful relationship, you should be treated as an equal.

To be in a healthy relationship – A healthy relationship is not controlling, manipulative, or jealous. A healthy relationship involves honesty, trust, and communication.

To not be hurt physically or emotionally – You should feel safe in your relationship at all times.

Abuse is never deserved and is never your fault – Conflicts should be resolved in a peaceful and rational way.

To refuse sex or affection at anytime – A healthy relationship involves making consensual sexual decisions.

You have the right to not have sex – Even if you have had sex before, you have the right to refuse sex for any reason.

To have friends and activities apart from my boyfriend or girlfriend – Spending time by yourself, with male or female friends, or with family is normal and healthy.

To end a relationship – You should not be harassed, threatened, or made to feel guilty for ending an unhealthy or healthy relationship. You have the right to end a relationship for any reason you choose.

I pledge to:

Always treat my boyfriend or girlfriend with respect.

Never hurt my boyfriend or girlfriend physically, verbally, or emotionally.

Respect my girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s decisions concerning sex and affection.

Not be controlling or manipulative in my relationship.

Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.

OK back to boundries......

Parents Need Them

The goal of The Amazing Race is to reach the destination and stay in the running. Boundaries help our teens during their race towards maturity. Boundaries help parents too.We need to know ours and model them to our teenagers. If we lack personal boundaries, what can we expect of our sons and daughters?

What matters most to you? Do you live those things out with consistency? If not, how can adding boundaries help you? Married parents, as often as possible, be united. Talk in private about acceptable limits. Be prepared to answer teens when your boundary is nonnegotiable. Know what Scripture says on the topic.

Be Prepared!

My husband and I agreed — no teen tattoos. if your son asks for long hair and a piercing. "Choose one, not both." If your values aren't compromised — compromise.

With separated or divorced parents, know your boundaries and keep them, even when they differ from your ex's. One mom keeps a "no rated R movie" standard even if the rated R movie is borrowed from dad's.

Spiritual

Some teens argue about attending church. Dr. John Townsend wrote in his book, Boundaries with Teens, "Good parenting means letting your teen move away from you spiritually while at the same time keeping her pointed toward a connection with her Heavenly Father."

My friend allowed her teen the freedom to volunteer as a cameraman for the church service instead of attending youth group, which he didn't enjoy.

Show your teens you value faith through your lifestyle. Pray with them. I tell my son's to pray during his algebra tests. He looks at me like I'm silly, but I believe God hears our prayers and He cares about every detail — including high school math.

The Finale 

American Idol picks one winner after months of audition cuts and performances. Each week one or more contestants are sent home until the last two compete in the finale.

Unlike the singing talent show, we don't eliminate our sons or daughters. We stand beside them when they forget their lines. We remember their dreams, cheering their wins and comforting their losses.

One day our teens will receive their reward by becoming the responsible adults that God has made them to be. And we can celebrate, knowing our boundaries and commitment played a part in their lifelong dream of independence.

Until then, let's challenge them to take risks, work hard and dream big.

How do you spell the greatest boundary of all?  L-O-V-E.